**SIGH**
It has been awhile since I have sat in front of this screen.
A very long while.
But it is difficult to sit and see the words LIVING GRACIOUSLY staring at you from your blog page when for the past year or so you have been living any way but.
It has been a rough season in my life. And I have not handled the trials graciously. I have allowed anger and hurt to consume my heart. I have been suffocating under the weight of the animosity I have allowed to build. I have allowed my outlook to become tainted by the disappointment in those that should have been a source of strength failing to acknowledge my need for comfort. I have viewed life with ugliness and my mistrust of those around me has grown immense. I have pushed all those around me farther and farther away. And I feel alone.
My spiritual life has suffered. My anger has been so great that it has blocked my ability to see that God has never left my side. I have warmed the pew each Lord's day; checking the box to say my worship has been done. But I have not been edified; and I certainly have not edified others by my hardened heart. My worship has been unacceptable to my God.
But I have not been able to crawl out of the pit of despair I jumped into.
And then I read a blog post by Angie Smith about Galatians 6:2 which says, Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. And the words pricked my heart. Granted, I have read that passage many times. I KNOW that I am supposed to give my trials to God and that I am to allow others to help me bear the burdens I am confronted with. But it is not something I do easily. Because I do not feel most people are sincere in their concern and I do not trust most to keep my concerns and struggles private, very few are allowed to know what it is in my heart. But as I read the post, I HEARD those words that day. And I thought on them.
And then I acted upon them.
It was not planned. I really did not have time to think about the words that were coming from my heart. It was a chance meeting one Sunday evening. The words were sparked by a simple question, "Are you thinking of changing congregations?" And I answered, "Possibly." And then I said the words I never thought I would say out loud., "I am not doing well. I am filled with hurt and animosity and I am having difficult time finding my way out."And she said she had been in that dark place also. And she comforted me with her words of understanding. And my heart was pricked. God continued to show himself when another woman came up to me 3 days later and asked a simple question and I said the words again. And she cried with me. And I felt comforted. The load I have been carrying for so long had been lifted just a tiny bit...just by saying a few words to another.
And while I am still in the pit, the clawing to the top has begun.
It has been awhile since I have sat in front of this screen.
A very long while.
But it is difficult to sit and see the words LIVING GRACIOUSLY staring at you from your blog page when for the past year or so you have been living any way but.
It has been a rough season in my life. And I have not handled the trials graciously. I have allowed anger and hurt to consume my heart. I have been suffocating under the weight of the animosity I have allowed to build. I have allowed my outlook to become tainted by the disappointment in those that should have been a source of strength failing to acknowledge my need for comfort. I have viewed life with ugliness and my mistrust of those around me has grown immense. I have pushed all those around me farther and farther away. And I feel alone.
My spiritual life has suffered. My anger has been so great that it has blocked my ability to see that God has never left my side. I have warmed the pew each Lord's day; checking the box to say my worship has been done. But I have not been edified; and I certainly have not edified others by my hardened heart. My worship has been unacceptable to my God.
But I have not been able to crawl out of the pit of despair I jumped into.
And then I read a blog post by Angie Smith about Galatians 6:2 which says, Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. And the words pricked my heart. Granted, I have read that passage many times. I KNOW that I am supposed to give my trials to God and that I am to allow others to help me bear the burdens I am confronted with. But it is not something I do easily. Because I do not feel most people are sincere in their concern and I do not trust most to keep my concerns and struggles private, very few are allowed to know what it is in my heart. But as I read the post, I HEARD those words that day. And I thought on them.
And then I acted upon them.
It was not planned. I really did not have time to think about the words that were coming from my heart. It was a chance meeting one Sunday evening. The words were sparked by a simple question, "Are you thinking of changing congregations?" And I answered, "Possibly." And then I said the words I never thought I would say out loud., "I am not doing well. I am filled with hurt and animosity and I am having difficult time finding my way out."And she said she had been in that dark place also. And she comforted me with her words of understanding. And my heart was pricked. God continued to show himself when another woman came up to me 3 days later and asked a simple question and I said the words again. And she cried with me. And I felt comforted. The load I have been carrying for so long had been lifted just a tiny bit...just by saying a few words to another.
And while I am still in the pit, the clawing to the top has begun.
